Post morning practice
Playing with the tension of a strap: The body organizes itself within/through.around a constraint but the point is never the constraint. The point is to learn and let the container go. Boundaries beget freedom. Boundaries are illusory.
Movement, being transitory, can only transform. A mental grip keeps us bound. When the grip is repeated, its groove is stored as language, command, tension, resistance – grooves the body automatically moves to.
There are no purely mental and no purely physical processes.
This knot in my right shoulderblade remains. I lean into a lacrosse ball and breathe but it’s not enough I need a hug. Warmth. And I need to feel fingers dig beneath the tension and love it. I want friends to move with. Dance with. Learn with. Get free with.
I experience a few “headrush” dizzying releases in my somatic exploration. My breath reels deeper in some ways, yet in the edges of my spinal extension and flexion I feel myself restricted. I remind myself it’s only been three days since I’ve been practicing this way, and a year since I gave my spine much focused attention. Trust the process. Learning the body is a slow unfolding; transforming from static object to living transmission is no small task. Give space to the clearing process.
All I want is to move and feel and breathe and shape and share movemet. It’s the only thing that ever made sense. It’s the only reality. CHANGE. It doesn’t matter how it appears – only that it does. And the work is to refine, invite, expand, explore, connect, create, allow.
Allow yourself to BECOME THE TRANSMISSION. As much as you are the receiver of the transmission, can you/will you also allow yourself to express that intelligence – embody it. Then it becomes knowledge. You don’t think about (around it – you let it in and through the bodymind.
2 hours walk
Two hours in the sun immersed in conversation with a stranger in a parallel universe. Two hours breeze against body, remembering my openness in more than body deep. Two awkward minutes at the beginning then settling. Remembering. Curiosity. Two hours observing, receiving. Two hours I am not anxious with this stranger. Two hours of bliss. The burden of bliss. He talks about David Deida – gets it- finding god through sex. He doesn’t say it directly, But he’s pointing to it.
I do not feel a strictly “sexual” attraction (whatever that means now, I’m not sure) but I do feel a magnetism. A desire to continue talking to this man. I am relieved he is going into isolation for three months starting in three weeks – there is no risk (but isn’t there?) of falling too soon, too deep. Thing aired out already – acknowledgement of the delicate reality that we are both freshly out of intense relationships. Attraction, but no expectations. Synchronicity. A man is not always a romance. Some connections are simple rememberings. The next day I watched the Love is Blind reunion and learn that Meg and Mason are best friends. It makes me wonder.
60 minutes of yoga – backbending
A bit distracted. Thoughts of the stranger. What will he think of me? Silly thoughts We are less than 12 hours of knowing each other. I let go. Breathe. Focus. Body feels good, alive, alert. Grateful for the long walk and the breath and the time moving. Bodymind centers in the movement of energy. Any tension, any question withheld, I release. I don’t seek answers but peace where I am. Solitude. Expectationless. This is the necessary thing – Trust.
The part of me that clings acts out. She is afraid of losing love. Of not being seen, chosen, wanted. She is agitated that he’s not asking for sex – that I am no leading with sex – that I made a point of it. Spaciousness frightens and confuses her. It’s okay, I assure We’re safe, I’m here, I’ve got us.