Post morming practice
10 minutes after practice I feel… detached? Floaty? I don’t know the word for it. A different body. Release is real — if you’re never empty – always holding 20% in your lungs unless you scream bloody murder or empty yourself purposefully — it makes sense that I feel different.
Ungrounded. No. Untethered. I am not who I think I am and every moment that is changing. There is no “ground” really. Ground is gravity pushing back. I am an illusion. A stream of changing behaviors.
It doesn’t “mean” anything, language. Approximations. Symbols. I must teach movement of the body — radiate thoughts from mind into whole beings. This is the only thing. Fluid aliveness. The sensual stream.
Simplicity. I am afraid of not controlling with words. Afraid to trust others to listen. Afraid I’m not enough. That a simple thing couldn’t possibly be life-changing. Yet it is. I know it because I lived it. Just now, this moment. Revelation through breath, release, movement. I will teach movement. There is no other path. I am already on it.
Post afternoon practice
I feel strong, coordinated, calm, relatively uninhibited practicing the role – a new skill – in public. At first I feel anxious. I start moving and within 30 seconds the anxiety dissolves. Nothing has happened except that Im doing what I want to do. If anyone is looking, I don’t notice. It doesn’t affect me. Embarrassment is a lie.
As I continue my process (I like process > practice), I notice others coming closer to me on the turf where I’m set up. Nobody says anything but after 10 minutes there are people on either side of me. It throws my balance in handstands for a moment — I’m distracted by the movement in my periphery — but I feel ease returning my attention back to my mission. All aboard the bodymind levitation express.
While squatting and deadlifting, my energy is calm and clear. I organically release tension between sets, waving and circling and every so often wondering what the man on the decline bench behind me thinks the point of all those situps are. But mostly I’m here, present in my process. Only momentarily distracted when I see his limbs reflecting in the mirror; sometimes his arm comes out of my head, others out of my ribcage, like I’m an insect.
Through all of it, I keep breathing. I did everything I set out to do except for bicep curls which I deemed unnecessary given all the bent arm work I did today.
I’ll continue looking at training protocols and see what makes sense give my desires and weaknesses. Pulling and ring work are going to be added to my training program. Pulling is my greatest weakness and I imagine strengthening this ability will unlock doors for me.